Atticus

I always wondered what I should write for my 100th post. I never imagined the subject would be a tragic one. In Atticus's honor, I'm looking at it as a special tribute to his life, not something to be sad about. I'm trying anyway.

It's been a day since we last saw Atticus, and my heart is heavy with grief. I miss him so much. As I look back over the last two months I have many emotions. I remember the first time I saw him. He was so skinny--every rib and bump of his spine pronounced--and his scars... Oh, the scars! They covered his legs, chest, even his neck and a couple on his face and ears. Who could have done such a thing? I still feel the anger bubbling up inside my chest and nearly choking me. You would think a dog who'd seen that kind of abuse would be timid or aggressive, but Atticus was neither. He came right up to us wagging his stubby little docked tail and leaned his whole body against mine. He had me right there. Lulu'd already decided she liked him before I did--in fact, she picked him out herself. Dogs are much smarter than humans.

Over the last couple of months he'd been in and out of the vet's office and he charmed the staff there too. "Atticus is here!" they'd exclaim when we walked in the door and he'd do his little Boxer dance at the site of the receptionist, vet tech and even the vet herself. The neighbors across the street who don't even like dogs always had to come over and pet him. He took a special liking to my mother--who usually keeps away from animals because of her allergies--and it pleased her very much. It was just impossible to be sad when Atticus was around.

I keep going over and over the last two months in my mind. Why did all of this happen? Why did we adopt him, fall in love with him, and then have to lose him? Did we make a difference to him? It certainly wasn't enough time to erase his awful memories, but was two months enough to matter? I think so. I truly hope so. I'm a firm believer in fate, destiny and karma and I know in my heart that everything happens for a reason.

Last night I was watching the fabulous movie (adapted from Laura Hillenbrand's wonderful novel) Seabiscuit. Red Pollard (Seabiscuit's jockey played by Tobey Maguire) says, "Everybody thinks we found this broken down old horse and we fixed him. But he fixed us." That's exactly how I feel about Atticus. He was old(er) and sick and he gave us more than we could have ever given him. I've always been a cynical, pessimistic sort, but it was impossible to be like that when Atticus was around. His sunny smile and limpid brown eyes made him friends everywhere he went. He was like the poster boy for looking on the bright side. I liked the warm happy feeling I had when he was with us. He gave us that. Oh, yes, he gave us so much more than that.

I always want to remember the gifts he gave us, so I've started a second blog in his honor. (Thank you to Katy for the idea.) I don't have time for a second blog, but that's the whole point. This blog will be one fast post a day, one or two sentences at most. It's called Today's Beautiful Thing and I hope you'll stop by when you're feeling down. I know Atticus would be pleased to know that he continues to make people smile, even though he no longer walks on this earth.

We were blessed to share our lives with Atticus from November 18, 2006- January 20, 2007 and someday we'll all be reunited over the rainbow bridge in heaven.

Rest in peace baby boy.

Today

Here's Atticus with me and the hubby this morning. He was so happy to see us and (though we look a little shell-shocked) the feeling was mutual. I hope God knows how lucky He is to have such a bright and beautiful shining light with him now. We miss him terribly, but we know this was best.

Thanks to everyone who has been sending me hugs and warm wishes on Blogger, e-groups and to my private e-mail address. It means more than you can ever know. My friend Cory said the nicest thing today:

"We, as a society, tend to only value the things that we can put a monetary value on. We even put a value on life, for life insurance purposes. But we also need to recognize what can't be quantified, only felt, and felt deeply, the invaluable things that make life worth it. That's what you gave to Atticus."

I'd spend the money, give the time and endure the heartbreak all over again if we did make his life worth it. Bless you Cory for those kind words.

More White Light

The vet called yesterday. The bottom line is that Atticus needs another surgery. It won't heal him. He'll need another and another. Even if we were millionaires we'd never be able to save him and give him the normal family life we so desperately wanted to give him. He is in constant pain and it's time to end it. We all tried, but sometimes it's not enough. So, in a couple of hours we are going to the vet's to have him put to sleep.

I just can't tell you all how much this hurts. I feel like I failed in what I tried to do for him. Friends are telling me I haven't. That in the end of his life he knew kindness and love. I hope so. We may not have been able to give him the three years I hoped for--we weren't even able to give him three months--but we gave him something better than what he had. We did give him love and toys and a very good friend in Lulu. They jumped, wrestled and played with their toys. They destroyed one of their beds on day! You should have seen it. After that they only had one bed left and they shared it. (I'll post the pictures).

They shared their only bed. They shared toys and food and water bowls. They shared everything. We gave him friendship at the end. I suppose giving him friendship, kindness and love are the best gifts we could have given him. We couldn't control how long we gave him those gifts--that's out of our hands--but we gave him those gifts for as long as he was with us.

Quick update

The prayers, white light and well-wishes worked. We're still in limbo because the tests didn't really say much, but the good news is that the vet told us she would keep Atticus for us for a week or even two so she could observe him--for FREE. Yeah, no typo.

Thank you everyone for your prayers, white light, good thoughts, etc. I'm a believer. Please keep it coming. Will update better tomorrow and post a few photos.

White Light Request

I've been away a while because Atticus has been very sick. (The photo above shows just how happy and healthy he was, visiting with our friend in mid December) It all started with a spider bite that needed to be drained and a little bump on his hip and it all mushroomed from there. Once the vet tried to drain the bite, she found a seroma underneath it. She was in surgery three hours. That was Monday night. We picked him up on Tuesday and he's had to be separated from Lulu ever since. He has on the big plastic E-collar, plus he has stitches on his chest and hip.

As if the poor sweet angel--because that's what he is, in pain or not, just an angel who wants to be your friend--hadn't been through enough now there's something more. Everything is adding up and everything looks bad. The lump on his hip was removed and it was cancer, but the vet thought she got a good margin around it. But when we took him to the vet yesterday (Saturday AM), as he was getting out of the car we noticed a scrape on his (other) hip. It was a small section where the skin was literally peeled away. We never saw it happen. He never cried. He didn't have it Fri when he went to the vet and he'd been under our observation since we'd gotten home from the vet Fri night.

The area of his hip was kind of swollen too. She said it would need a couple of staples because it was down to the muscle. She ended up shaving the area and what she found underneath was awful. It's like one bloody bruise under there. His skin is paper thin. She thinks it's a blood coagulation problem or something--so, more tests. Things do not look good for our boy. The thing that may have caused the seroma may be this blood disorder. We just do not know what to do. The costs just keep adding up. We've spent $1,200 we don't have this week alone. I'm at my wits end. I want to save him if a good life is possible, but I just don't have any more money to spare. And the vet has been giving us deep discounts on everything she does, but it's still breaking us. I wanted to do a good thing by giving this sweet angel a normal life, but this is not a normal life. I am beside myself with worry.

Please pray for our Atticus. Please send white light, good vibes and anything else you've got our way. We need a miracle, pure and simple. There's nothing left any more.

Atticus Update

Yes, we've decided to call him Atticus. I haven't really said much because a whole lot was going on with Atticus, the vet, the rescue and us last week. I don't know why I'm so surprised that we asked for a younger, healthy dog and we got an older, not healthy one. The same thing happened with Lulu in August from a completely different rescue!

At first we were angry because they lied to us and we were scared for Lulu. The vet wanted them separated ASAP (so Lulu wouldn't catch kennel cough--again!) and we had no way to keep them physically apart (so they couldn't breathe on or lick each other) and still give Atticus the care he needed. He had an awful infection where his incision was. He was fixed just 3 days before we took him home. On top if that he was burning up with fever. He was up ALL NIGHT coughing that Sunday--the day after we took him home.

I don't know what we would have done if our vet didn't step up to the plate. Actually, I know exactly what we would have done, we would have had to return him, pure and simple. We didn't want to. He didn't deserve to be shuffled back and forth again and we already loved him. We actually called up the rescue on Monday night and told them they had to pick him up. But they are all volunteers and no one could come and get him, we had to wait for the weekend and take him back ourselves. In the meantime, we had to keep him separate from Lulu--which meant he had to be kept at the vet all week. Such an expensive dilemma!

The next day we went back to the vet and we got his tests back. She could tell right away that he was older and she wanted to make sure that he wasn't so underweight because he had cancer--a common thing for Boxers. The tests showed no cancer, but the x-rays showed that his internal organs were much older than the rescue said (2 or 3) and more like what the vet had originally thought (6 or 7). She now tells us definitely 7.

Anyway, most of that's all over. Atticus has come a long, long way. His fever is gone. His infection is better. He's still sweet as can be. The vet has been feeding him AD pet food (the good stuff) and giving him his meds and keeping him for the boarding fee, rather than the hospitalization fee she would have normally charged. We are all so lucky.

The rescue owner called the other day and when she found out how sick he was and how long he's been at the vet, she tore up our adoption check. That made all the difference in how we felt about the rescue. I know this isn't the norm for them, but this dog fell through the cracks and this should never happen again. Atticus didn't deserve it. She even said they are going to change their policy. They are going to keep every dog they rescue at least a week to make sure that they can properly assess and care for them. If this saves the life of just one dog, or saves just one dog from all the pain Atticus went through, I'll be so glad. And I know it will help more than just one dog. Guaranteed.

That's all for now. Lunch break over.

Our Boy

So far he has no name. He came into the rescue named Joe, apparently a very popular Boxer name. (Get it? Joe Boxer-- Har-dee-har!) To differentiate between him and the other Joes, they called him "The Average Joe." His foster mom wouldn't have any of that ("he's so not average!" she told us) so she named him Griffen. We're not wild about Griffen. Abner likes Atticus and actually, I do too, but we're still mulling it over. Any suggestions?

It's funny how it all worked out. We wanted to meet white Boxers, but they were all adopted. So, we asked to see some Boxers who liked kids, other dogs, were mellow and possibly liked cats. We met two, one very chubby and sweet (but we felt no spark) and one flashy and beautiful (again, no spark). Lulu got along with both of them, dominant with one and submissive with the other. Very interesting. We started to feel some stress and were mulling over if getting a second dog was such a good idea when the foster mom pulled up with a couple of dogs in her car that she said not only tolerated cats, but liked cats. Being that we do have a cat, we thought this was a good omen. So they brought Griffen out to meet us.

I cried when I saw him. His legs are all full of scars and, for the first half hour or so, he wouldn't even look us in the eyes. The shelter had picked him up in an area where many dogs are used to bait pit bulls for fighting and they think that's what happened with him. He was just this big, sweet bundle of love. His previous owners must have been so disappointed when they realized he wasn't a fighter and I guess they just dumped him or turned him loose. (Awful-disgusting-no good-rat bastards!) I believe there's a special place in hell for people like that.

Anyway, he looks us in the eyes now--and what big beautiful brown eyes he has. Today he gave me a kiss and I was just so pleased. It's going to take him some time to settle in. He's started coughing now--so I think he has kennel cough. Off to the vet with him tomorrow!

Current mood: a bit stressed and a bit worried too

It's a boy!

Isn't he grand? Lulu loves him. Wants to play with him all the time. He's still settling in. Not so playful yet. He's a very mellow gentle boy. He's a Boxer of the German variety--which, we're told, has Mastiff in the mix. He sure looks it with his big, wrinkly face and slightly droopy eyes and slightly jowely mouth. We love him already. He's real big on "the Boxer lean" too.

Current mood: happy & tired. Long day